Don’t get me wrong, someday I want to be with someone, to spend my nights, my days, my rides…all with someone but until that someone comes along, I need to be content with what I have.

     I guess I am old fashioned.  I just cannot bring myself to have someone that is just an “FB”; I want to be with one person for the rest of my life.  Not just for a couple hours.  I am going to want to build a relationship, a life, a home with one man.

     With a “FB” my biggest fear would be that one of us is going to like the other one way more, that feelings and hearts are going to get hurt.  I also don’t share well with others.  

      Relationships are hard.  Trust me, I get that.   But if you don’t ever try to make a relationship, you never reap the rewards of a relationship either.  I love being able to finish sentences, knowing what he is going to ask before he asks it, finding the perfect thing for his lunches, singing songs out loud and out of tune to one another,  and mostly I want to go out adventuring with my special man.   I don’t think you can do these things with a part-time FB.  I don’t know of one couple that has stated, “oh yeah, we were FB’s and then decided to make it a more permanent thing.”

     Where is the romance in, “hey, ya wanna tonight?”  

     Where is the future in, “Yeah, thanks.  Good time.  I’ll call ya.  Bye.”

      After I figured out it was over between my husband and I, I did have one serious relationship that was on and off again for two years.  I think ultimately we just saw life differently.  He was a great guy and I will always carry a piece of him in my heart but I like life half full and I feel he saw it as damn near empty.  I felt that I need time for me, to do what I want, when I want, where I want, with whom I want, how I want.

       I don’t know if I ever really had that in my marriage.  We would talk about my doing something and usually the answer was no and then he would come back a little later and tell me that I could. There were a few things that I wanted to do that he flat out said no to because he didn’t feel that it was the best for the family.  In guy terms, that means that he saw it as too much work on him.      Twice I approached the subject of my going back into the Air Force.  Once during Desert Storm and again five years later after her retired from the Army but if I had done that he may have found himself on the other side of a deployment.  Having to stay home and take care of the kids and I don’t think that he got married to be a single parent.

      My babies are grown now and off starting their own families.  I am lucky enough to live, almost perfectly, smack dab in the middle of them.  My daughter is 12 hours west and my son is 14 hours east.  I believe that family is important, it’s more important than my own personal wants and desires. For 24 years I put them first and I will continue to do so, within reason.  I did drive 14 hours after my daughter-in-law went into labor with my first grandbaby because I could and I will do the same for my daughter if I can.  Here is the kicker; I am not going to interfere in their lives.  They need to discover what works for them not what I think works for them.  If they want my opinion, they can ask for it and they know that they can call me any time of day or night.

     With that in mind, I need to find what makes me happy now.  I need to find my personal heaven…and so I ride and love the view from my bike.

      I am 48 years old and I have never lived on my own, at least not for a long period of time, say more than 6 months. At 45 I found myself alone with my children grown and my husband of 24 years going down his own road, a choice that didn’t much make sense to me but never the less it was of his own doing.  His road, I am sure that he will find, is a dead end with no way to turn around.  The roads in front of me, however, are full of endless possibilities.

     This weekend I found myself adventuring across Texas…ALL the way across and even up into New Mexico.  View upon view.  Some were phenomenal and some were eye opening as we use the land to fuel possibilities.

     I found that central Texas, known for its oil drilling, wasn’t as pretty as my part of East Texas and West Texas, known for its sparse desert landscape had a beauty all its own.  Being the largest state in the continental US, Texas has one commonality, its people.

     I think it is a southern thing in general. People are friendlier.  The younger ones use words like Ma’am and Sir.  The older ones use darlin’, sweetheart, and lady.  Making eye contact almost guarantees a conversation will be struck up and just getting a cup of coffee means you’ll be sitting with a local and shooting the breeze for a spell.  

     A woman alone on a big yellow Harley is a great conversation starter and although I normally am not one that seeks out attention I am becoming comfortable enough with myself that it no longer bothers me when the questions start.  Questions like, "Is that your bike?" "Aren't you afraid to be riding by yourself?".  Then there are the comments.  My favorite and the one I get the most is, "Nice bike."  Yes, she is a beautiful bike and I love the color.

     Slowing down once in a while is a good thing. You meet people, intertwine with their lives, and narrow that 6 degrees of separation a little more. It opens your eyes, heart and mind to hear and see the way some people are, how different and how a like.

    All in all I realize that I may be on my own but ultimately I am never really alone, I have friends everywhere.  Some of them I haven't met yet and THAT is the adventure.

The Adventure Begins...

   To say that I am addicted to riding is an understatement but you have to understand where that need and desire to ride comes from.
   After 24 years of marriage, two kids, two countries, eight homes, and two states I found my husband deciding he wanted to go somewhere else and I wasn't invited.  I was devastated, to say the least.  He was my family in a state 2400 miles away from where I grew up, we had had been one another's best friend, therapist, lover, care taker, and so many other titles and now what. What was I supposed to do on my own?  Where was I supposed to go?  Who was going to hold me at night? Who was I going to ride with?  Our son was living in North Carolina, finishing up his last year as a Marine. Our daughter turned 18 and couldn't handle living at home without her family and she moved out to her boyfriends which made me feel even more alone.
   I reached out to people that, for the most part, had been only acquaintances, and they encouraged me to join them and the Veterans Riders group they belonged to.  I found a group of people that I had a lot in common with and, even better, I found a new home and family with them.   I was quickly embraced as one of their own and found new reasons to ride.   There were charities, poker rides, parades, bike nights, and just "because we can" rides.  I started a women's rider group where it was just us ladies cutting loose and riding out for lunches.
   Seven months after our divorce was final, I rented a condo.  I was 47 years old and I had just rented my first place entirely my own and I was scared out of my mind.  I remember very clearly sitting alone one night, feeling very sorry for myself, when I was hit with the realization that I wasn't really alone.  I had so many numbers in my phone of friends that I could call and they would have showed up, talked with me until the wee hours of the night or joined me at any local place for conversation, just to make me feel better.  I was truly blessed by the hand of God. I lost something that had meant the world to me, something that I thought I could never live without, and He gave me something greater.  He gave me something that would never leave me, friendship.    The first few weeks and maybe a few months in my own place were hard but I finally started to enjoy it. I decorated the way I wanted.  I watched what I wanted.  I cooked when and what I wanted.  I did dishes when I wanted.  I went to bed when I wanted. It was a LOT of freedom and I really started to enjoy it.
   Work had been so slow and they asked me if I wanted to learn this computer system that tracked maintenance and parts.  I welcomed the chance to be getting something done and learn something new but no good deed goes unpunished.  Six months after I got my own place, I was told that I was needed in Texas to start inputting maintenance data at one of our sites.  A month later, all of my household goods were stuffed in a 10x10 storage unit, my little truck was packed with enough clothes and personal items to last me six months, Crazy Cow, my son's stuffed cow from sixth grade, was in the seat next to me, and my bike was loaded onto a U-haul trailer being pulled behind.  Once again, I was scared out of my mind.  

   I was leaving my friends, my first home on my own, the comfort of all that I knew for a place I had only visited once for two days four years ago. I knew almost no one and there wasn't a Veterans club like mine close by. I found myself forcing long hard deep breaths to keep calm.
  I was driving over 1000 miles with my life in storage and the most costly thing I had ever bought on my own being towed behind my truck. God, I prayed, please let me get there safe. He did.
   I had made arrangements at a long term hotel that wouldn't break the bank and gave me the safety of not being alone.  The hotel staff was a God send and I was quickly shown the true meaning southern hospitality when their Maintenance man helped me unload my bike and the receptionist got me a room on the first floor as I requested so that I could park my bike right by my window at night.  We chatted about the color...my favorite color...yellow and it was then that I decided that this was going to be an adventure.
   Work runs a little different down here.  The shop ran four days a week, 10 hour days, so you had a three day weekend, every weekend.  What a way to go!
    It was hot that July but I never let that stop me.  I didn't care that I had swamp butt whenever I got off, it would dry and I kept the room at the hotel at a bone chilling 67 degrees so that I would quickly cool down as soon as I got back.
   I quickly noticed how different the roads were down here from up north.  Up north, you had to be careful because the road may start out as pavement but it may dump you into a dirt road after a few miles.  I hadn't run into that issue down here.  If the road had a number attached to it and it started out as pavement, it ended the same way.  

   I rode that first weekend into Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Louisiana, my bike ate up the roads and I put on 200, then 500 and then 750 miles under me. The odometer just turned the miles away each weekend; I was usually putting on at least 700 miles. My music would play, I would sing along as loud as I wanted not caring who would hear, I'd watch the trees as they passed by, whistle at the horses, take mental pictures of the hills and valleys and all the while marvel at the beauty of God's creation. The view from my bike was phenomenal, breath taking, and a miracle that only He could give us. I wished everyone had had the opportunity to see the beauty that I did.
Something inside of me began to change. I could feel it. At first I wasn't too sure what it was, it took some time to figure it out. I was independent. I had found my independence. Throughout the divorce and since I had been wondering who was going to ride with me, who was going to hold me at night, who was going to be with me and all the while I had the answer right in front of me....myself.  

     God didn't make me to be a woman that needed just anyone. He made me self-sufficient, independent, strong, bold, and He made me to trust in Him. I may WANT someone to be beside me, to hold my hand, and to spend my days and nights with but until He brings that one person into my life, I am good with what I have got right now..ME!