Don’t get me wrong, someday I want to be with someone, to spend my nights, my days, my rides…all with someone but until that someone comes along, I need to be content with what I have.

     I guess I am old fashioned.  I just cannot bring myself to have someone that is just an “FB”; I want to be with one person for the rest of my life.  Not just for a couple hours.  I am going to want to build a relationship, a life, a home with one man.

     With a “FB” my biggest fear would be that one of us is going to like the other one way more, that feelings and hearts are going to get hurt.  I also don’t share well with others.  

      Relationships are hard.  Trust me, I get that.   But if you don’t ever try to make a relationship, you never reap the rewards of a relationship either.  I love being able to finish sentences, knowing what he is going to ask before he asks it, finding the perfect thing for his lunches, singing songs out loud and out of tune to one another,  and mostly I want to go out adventuring with my special man.   I don’t think you can do these things with a part-time FB.  I don’t know of one couple that has stated, “oh yeah, we were FB’s and then decided to make it a more permanent thing.”

     Where is the romance in, “hey, ya wanna tonight?”  

     Where is the future in, “Yeah, thanks.  Good time.  I’ll call ya.  Bye.”

      After I figured out it was over between my husband and I, I did have one serious relationship that was on and off again for two years.  I think ultimately we just saw life differently.  He was a great guy and I will always carry a piece of him in my heart but I like life half full and I feel he saw it as damn near empty.  I felt that I need time for me, to do what I want, when I want, where I want, with whom I want, how I want.

       I don’t know if I ever really had that in my marriage.  We would talk about my doing something and usually the answer was no and then he would come back a little later and tell me that I could. There were a few things that I wanted to do that he flat out said no to because he didn’t feel that it was the best for the family.  In guy terms, that means that he saw it as too much work on him.      Twice I approached the subject of my going back into the Air Force.  Once during Desert Storm and again five years later after her retired from the Army but if I had done that he may have found himself on the other side of a deployment.  Having to stay home and take care of the kids and I don’t think that he got married to be a single parent.

      My babies are grown now and off starting their own families.  I am lucky enough to live, almost perfectly, smack dab in the middle of them.  My daughter is 12 hours west and my son is 14 hours east.  I believe that family is important, it’s more important than my own personal wants and desires. For 24 years I put them first and I will continue to do so, within reason.  I did drive 14 hours after my daughter-in-law went into labor with my first grandbaby because I could and I will do the same for my daughter if I can.  Here is the kicker; I am not going to interfere in their lives.  They need to discover what works for them not what I think works for them.  If they want my opinion, they can ask for it and they know that they can call me any time of day or night.

     With that in mind, I need to find what makes me happy now.  I need to find my personal heaven…and so I ride and love the view from my bike.